Back on Track - 20 weeks

Whew!  I made it to the halfway point of this pregnancy which is a relief.  We had our 20 week ultrasound last Wednesday and baby GIRL looks great!  We saw her sucking her thumb and I can feel her kicking around and hiccupping already because my placenta is posterior.  The hematoma has resolved, so no more worrying about that.  Hopefully the rest of my pregnancy will be completely boring.  Last week I started feeling nauseous and tired again and it turned I had a UTI, so I am now on macrobid and feeling much better.  On the other hand, we had to take Winn to the ER on Monday night because his breathing was labored and he had a high fever.  Turns out he has pneumonia and had to get a big shot of antibiotic in his leg and start the baby equivilent of a z-pack.  Today, his nose is finally stopped running after almost 3 weeks of a cold.  I had no idea he was so sick, because he was just running around like usual.  Hopefully, he will stay healthy the rest of cold and flu season.

We are starting to tell people about the pregnancy - well it's kind of obvious now, but it's funny how I feel a little sheepish to be pregnant without having done all the hard work to get there.  Well, bedrest in the first trimester was not easy, but you know what I mean.   I do believe that this baby girl will complete our family, but I am unsure of what to do in the future.  Do I get my tubes tied?  What about all my frozen embryos in Colorado?  My husband is of the the mind to donate them to another couple, but I lean more towards donating to research.  While it is such a noble thing to do, I think I would be weird knowing that my biological children would be with another couple.  It just seems out of my comfort zone, but my husband is not comfortable with the other way things would go.  My mother has said if we end up donating them, she does not want to know about it.  It's a whole big can of worms to me. But luckily we can buy time to not have to make a decision about that now.  

Not much other news to report.  Just thinking about the holidays and meeting my new nephew from Savannah at Thanksgiving.  We had a great trip to the beach in October - that seems ages ago now.  I hope everyone is enjoying the change in the weather.  The fall color is beautiful in Mississippi now.  This morning while I had a babysitter, I took a walk with my gold retreiver (who blends right in with the autumn colors) and it was quite lovely to be just me and my puppy dog.

Stubborn Subchorionic Hematoma

I wish I had never heard of this medical condition, but by now I am on intimate terms with it.

Yesterday's ultrasound showed little change in the size in the hematoma.  The tech measured 6 cm and and last week it was 5 cm.  It is as big as the baby and lies like a little cresent hammock underneath it.  I was disappointed because I have been really trying to take it easy and it did not seem to help.   This week, I am going to try to do more bedrest to see if it helps.

On a happier note, the baby is doing well and is measuring 12wk6d (different techs come up with different measurements).  I am just trying to focus on that that and that the overwhelming majority of SCH resolve.

Where does the time go?

It's been awhile - Winn and I are just chugging along.  He is almost 15 months and is a busy little bee now.  Fully weaned and sleeping better.  Still only 2 teeth, but I can see some on the top trying to poke through.  A week ago, he got his first big boy haircut and it looks so cute.  He is slowly acquiring a rudimentary vocabulary, but still mostly points at what he wants even though he knows some baby signing. I'm getting lots of sweet kisses and hugs from him.

So here's what's been going on in my world aside from Winn:

Around the beginning of August, after I fully weaned Winn, I started feeling nauseated.  I thought it might have something to do with weaning or that it was my gallbladder.  But something made me go
buy a pregnancy test just to make sure since I do take migraine medicine that is contraindicated with pregnancy.   I tested in the afternoon, a few days before my period was due, and and two lines appeared immediately.  This was a big surprise, since I had given up on the idea of spontaenous pregnancy.   We were not trying, but not preventing either.  We were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" so there was no documented reason that of why we were having a difficult time conceiving.  With the pressure off and perhaps all the pregnancy and lactation hormones kickstarted my ovaries into gear.   I had what I thought was a period in July, but looking back it was a strange bleed (just blood no clots).  Then I bled one afternoon randomly at the end of July.  I scheduled my first prenatal appointment on Aug 27 based on what I thought was my cycle in July.  On Sun Aug 25, I started bleeding after sneezing while I was holding Winn.  It was so scary, but it did stop after an hour or so.  I went into the doctor on Monday and I was expecting the worst news at the ultrasound, but instead we saw a little bean jumping around with a heartbeat in the 180's.  And the baby was measuring 9 wks 4 days, so that puts me conceiving around the end of June/beginning of July.  The u/s tech noted 2 small subchorionic hematomas (fancy jargon for blood clots where the placenta is trying to form).  I was scheduled for another ultrasound the following week to monitor the blood clots.

Armed with a grainy black and white picture ultrasound picture, we drove back home relieved with our good fortune.  However, I started bleeding again 4 days later.  Filling up pads like a first day of flow.  I freaked out and called the OB on call at the hospital and he said there is nothing I can do but take it easy and just wait it out and that they usually resolve on their own.

The bleeding did stop, but I still kept spotting.  The ultrasound the next week showed a healthy growing fetus and one of the clots disappeared and the other one appeared to be resolving.   But a few days later the bleeding started again, this time darker blood and heavier.  By the weekend, the active bleeding tapered off and I could only see faint color on the toilet paper.  I am the most paranoid tp inspecter now.  So yesterday, I went back to the doctor for my weekly monitoring ultrasound appt expecting to get the news that the clot had resolved, but instead it is bigger at 5 cm (the size of the baby).  I met with my OB who recommended "modified bedrest."  A very tall order when you have a 25 lb active toddler!  I've had to line up babysitters to take Winn to the park.  He is on babysitter #2 of the day right now.   My poor husband is having to pull double duty - working all day and then coming home to do most of the heavy lifting of getting Winn ready for bedtime.  I've had lots of bad headaches and nausea, so he is waiting on me alot too.

So it's not been an easy picnic around here and our excitment about a new baby is tempered by the worry and fear of miscarriage due to the subchorionic hematoma.   I've been reluctant to share our news with anyone outside of close family.   Every week, I get to peek inside and see how the little bean is growing and it's gone from a little blob to a fully formed fetus with arms and legs kicking around.  It's precious, but feels dangerous to get attached.  I am so ready to be past the point of worry.  I've read everything I can find on the web about other women's experiences with hematomas and mostly it's good news, but sometimes the clots stick around for a long time (up to 20 weeks).  One study I read found significant reduction in miscarriage with bedrest and then other studies are inconclusive.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible and praying for the best.
 I know this post sounds like alot of whining, but I guess this is my place to allay some of my fears. Thanks for reading.

One year!

Winn turned 1 this week!   I don't know where my baby went - he has morphed into a busy rambunctious toddler overnight.  Still not full on walking, but it won't be long.  He has one little tooth on the bottom finally.  He is super attached to me now, which is sweet but sometimes problematic.  I had a babysitter who was coming on Wednesday mornings, but I had to let her go, because he was so unhappy with her.  Even though I get annoyed when he whines when I try to put him down to do something, I try to remind myself that this time is so fleeting and one day I will really miss holding him on my hip.   We are taking a signing/music class which is fun and he is doing the signs for milk, hungry, and down.  This week lots of lightbulbs seem to be going off in his little head.  And my lord, he is so demanding - everytime I eat something, he starts pointing emphatically and says "unh, unh." It is not relaxing to try to eat/drink around him.

It was a busy week with the birthday festivities - I did a picnic party at the community garden where we have had a plot for the last 4 years.  It was pretty hot, but luckily the mosquitos stayed away and I saw the first lightning bugs of year on his birthday.  It went by so quickly and I was so busy visiting with folks and making sure everything all the food and drinks were being served, I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted.  I need to figure out how to get stills from video footage.  It was so funny to watch his expression when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" - he was like "why the hell is everyone singing to me."  He loved his carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting - ate every bit of it.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by my family and it made me reminisce about this time last year when I was trying to bring him out into the world.  Even though I was very tired after the party, it did not compare to the utter exhaustion of labor and delivery.

I still trying to make peace with ending up a c-section.  Isn't it crazy that I still mourn not being able to experience vaginal birth.  Why is that?  My husband is convinced that the natural childbirth movement is anti-feminist, because it makes women who needed a c-section feel bad about not being "woman" enough to push their babies out on the their on.  If we ever have another child, he is definitely for CBAC - cesarean brith after cesarean :)

So one thing that has helped compensate for my traumatic delivery is that I finally reached my goal of breastfeeding for a whole year!  I stuck it out even with the dysmorphic milk ejection reflex (weird depressed feeling right before letdown) and vasospasm in my left nipple.  Now that I met my goal, I've started tapering off.  We are down to 2 times a day.  While it's been a wonderful experience, I am ready to move on and hopefully he won't be too hard to wean.  Even though I'm ready, there is a part of me that just cringes with the thought of stopping completely.

Lots of changes are coming down the pipeline -  I want to get serious about sleep training again, so I don't lose my sanity.  I have never been about to put him in his crib and walk away for a nap.  Instead, I have to stroll him to sleep or drive him around and then transfer him to his crib.  Lately, he has been waking up during the transfer and so I don't get my much needed mommy break.  I hate to do CIO, but I feel like it's the only way with him.  Does anyone have any suggestions?    I hope we make a breakthrough soon . . .

I've been going to the park alot lately - Winn loves swinging and climbing up the slides.  With my REI dividend, I bought a burley bike trailer and that has revolutionized my life this summer.  I feel so free when I'm riding my bike with him and he loves it.  It had been almost 2 years since I've ridden a bike because of fertility treatments, being pregnant and then waiting for him to get old enough to ride.

So that's what been going on in my world - It has been an amazing year of growth and transformation!

                                                                    His first pool

                                                     with my mom, his Lala, on his birthday

                                                                      in the Burley

Happy 9 months!

Has it really been 9 months?  These 9 months have gone by so much faster than the previous nine months.  I am having a hard time keeping track of the days now.  Winn is a busy little bee these days - crawling so much that his knees and tops of his feet are black and blue.  He has started throwing little fits too, protesting the stroller and carseat and really fighting me on going down in his crib.  I think he is going to be a headstrong little guy.   But it is so much fun to watch him move around and explore every nook and cranny of my house.  I'm babyproofing as we go.  Today I realized that my 3 house plants are all highly toxic, so I will have to find a new home for them :(

Winn loves to eat!   He puts everything in his mouth.  I've caught him standing up in the kitchen with the cabinet knob in this mouth.  Still no teeth, but I can see the top ones behind his gums.

Life is good now.  Weather is warming up and the days are longer.   I'm not gonna lie - this past winter was tough for me.  Having a baby has been wonderful, but it's been more of an adjustment than I expected and also been hard on my relationship with my husband in ways I did not expect.

We took our first plane ride to Savannah, GA to visit my sister's family and had a great time.  My sister is due in July and I have a cousin due in August.  Both boys.  I'm glad that Winn will have some cousins around his age.

We got our embryo storage bill yesterday.   We're thinking it will be next spring before we go back for round 2.  I need a breather and it will be good to have some time to chill before we jump back into shots and hormones.

Even though I've been a bad blogger - I still follow along with everyone.  We are all being swept along in the everflowing current of this turbulent beautiful river called Life.   thank you for sharing your stories with me-




In Savannah Bee Company - Sela, our golden retriever, claimed this bee when we got home.

In Forsyth park, about to put a cigarette butt in his mouth! 

the fountain was dyed green for St Paddy's day :) 

A New Year . . what's ahead?

I can't believe that I've been a mother for over 6 months!  We had a very good Christmas with Winn and the rest of my extended family.  My favorite part was the Christmas Eve service at my parent's church - he sat through the whole thing.  He is such a good baby most of the time.  Breastfeeding has evened out.  I offer him solids twice a day and he loves to eat anything I give him, especially fruits.  Sleeping is going better for the most part.  I've had to re-ferberize him on occasions after we go out of town, etc.  Winn had his 6 month shots last Monday and that made him cranky for a couple of days - glad to get that over with.  We didn't get the flu shot for him, but our pedi told us to keep him away from Walmart. 

 It's been raining so much lately and I'm so sick of it, because I love getting outside with him.  My living room has turned into a play station. I have surrendered to the chronic mess that goes along with having a child.  I ordered this baby corral thing with extensions to make it bigger, and put down 3 yoga mats inside it.  He can really get some traction on my yoga mats and is starting to crawl!  I can get in there and play with him.  Favorite toys are stacking cups I bought at walgreens and these bath toys  - he loves anything that is not a toy, i.e. remote control, my phone.  His favorite book is Brown Bear Brown Bear what do you see. - first book he actually looks at while I'm reading instead of trying to eat it.  No teeth yet, but I am sure they will be in any day now. 

Even though Winn is still a little baby,  we've been thinking about if and when we want to try to give him a brother or sister.  I'm reading Far from the Tree by Andrew Soloman and it's kind of freaking me out about having another child.  The chapter I am reading right now is all about mothers raising severely autistic children and how hard that is. Not a good book to read when contemplating having more children. Other chapters were on deafness, dwarfism, down syndrome, schizophrenia and prodigies. Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop at one.    There are some days where I feel like I could handle 2 babies close in age, but other days when it totally wears me out to picture my life with an infant and a toddler.  We need alot more money coming in to make it a comfortable option for us, i.e. bigger house and part-time nanny.  I want to breastfeed until Winn is at least a year old (if he wants to go that long).  If we are gungho about having another baby, I think we would go back out to Colorado in October for another FET and then they would be exactly 2 years apart if it worked.  But will I be ready by the Fall?   I'm lucky to have my frosties, so I don't feel a huge pressure to jump right back into fertility treatments again and who knows maybe it will happen naturally (yeah right).  Technically, I have until age 54 to make this decision regarding my frozen embryos.   I don't want to wait too long, because I'd like to go back to work and I am scared I will forget everything I know if I stay at home too long.  So we'll see what happens.  Right now I just don't have that strong yearning to have another baby, which is probably pretty normal at seven months postpartum . . . I just want to focus on Winn and enjoying all of his "firsts" which are my firsts too.