One Year Later

My baby girl turned 1 year old two weeks ago! She has been walking since 11 months, so she can almost keep up with her big brother now.  They are both napping at the same time right now and I am enjoying the rare peace . . . no, Winn just woke up.  Winn is on spring break, not that he really needed the spring break as he only went to school 8 days in the last month with all the snow days and sick days.  So here I am, mother of 2 beautiful, busy toddlers.  This past year has been exhausting but also exhilarating.  I have no great words of wisdom to bestow. . . just do your best to remain calm in the face of adversity whether that me a negative pregnancy test or a screaming toddler.  I had my yearly annual check-up with a new OB-gyn last week.  Feels so strange to be completely on the other side of pregnancy and childbearing.  I don't forsee a third baby in my future, though I will dutifully pay the frozen embryo storage fee that went up 50 bucks this year.  We are happy with a family of four plus 1 puppy dog.  As my baby days are drawing to a close, I feel some nostalgia but mostly excitement for what lies ahead as Meredith and Winn begin to explore the big wide world.  Spring is here finally! The redbuds, pear trees and tulip trees are blooming.  I've planted carrots, radishes, arugula and peas in my garden.  We have finally adjusted to the "Spring Forward" time change and am looking forward to longer, barefoot days which also bring more skinned knees.  I've started weaing Meredith but am contemplating donating to the Mississippi Milk Bank before I retire from lactation.  It's crazy to think I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding for over 3 years now.  I wish I had not spent so much time worrying about whether I would get pregnant or not and had more faith in the process.  I suppose it all works out one way or another . . . I think I need a new blog now - probably not though given it has taken me 2 weeks to write one little post and it has been a whole year gone by!  Good bye to all my friends in the blogsosphere who are hopefully too busy chasing toddlers to check blogrolls.  It's been a great journey and it's wonderful to be on the other side now.

She's Here!

Our sweet baby girl Meredith arrived last Saturday morning at 37 wk 2 days gestation!  I went into labor unexpectantly early Sat. morning and barely made it to the hospital before my water broke (the hospital is one hour away, husband driving 95 miles an hour with flashers on!).  Even though I probably could have pushed her out,  at the time I just wanted her O-U-Tof me and c-section was the fastest, safest way to accomplish that (and husband was never on board with VBAC).  I was sad my OB was not on call and left on a spring break ski vacation on Sunday and we had a doctor I had never met and she was very impersonal about the delivery.   I totally thought I had until my scheduled c-section date (Mar 25th) to get things prepared and packed up to go.  The thing that has been the hardest is not being able to pick up and play with my toddler.  Thank god, I have a great babysitter for him, but it's still been hard because he is too little to understand what is going on.  I have survived the first week and according to my aunt who is a nurse, after a major surgery you get 4% better each day, so right now I am 28% better.  I am down to 1 percocet every 4 hours and 2 advil every 6 hours.  Breastfeeding is going so so so much better than last time around.  She is nursing like a champ! My milk came in before we left the hospital.  Her birthweight was 6 lb 11 oz and discharge was 6-2 and then 2 days later she was back up to 6-6.  She is such a good baby- just wakes to eat, looks around for a minute and then goes back to sleep.  She was sleeping skin to skin on my chest all week, but last night she slept in the swing and I got 4 hours of unbroken delicious deep sleep.  I love her so much and I never thought I would have 2 beautiful babies in 3 short years after 3 long years of yearning to start a family.

Cloth diapers revisited

Before Winn was born, I became obsessed with the idea of using cloth diapers because they seemed great for the environment and my pocketbook.  I did a ton of research on-line about the best diapering system, best detergents, etc and eventually took the plunge and ordered about $300 of cloth diapers and accessories.  I did not use them during the newborn stage, but once he was about 2 months I started using them and discovered the following drawbacks:  I had to change him constantly.  You cannot let a baby sit in a cloth diaper especially after you have been using the cloth diapers for a little while.  My diapers quickly built up ammonia in them which is extremely irritating to sensitive tissue down there.  Winn was circumcised and he started developing penile skin adhesions which totally freaked out my husband and me.  This was around 5-6 months when we discovered this problem.  The solution to this problem required much application of vaseline to to loosen the skin and protect it.  Vaseline and lots of other good diaper creams are contraindicated with cloth diapers.   It was extremely frustrating to me to have to give up on the idea of cloth, but like many things I've learned with being a new mom, you just have to go with the flow and be flexible.

This Fall after I got over the hump of the first trimester, I decided to pull out the cloth again and give it another go.  This time went much better for several reasons:

1) I finally figured out the KEY to avoiding ammonia build-up in the diaper is throughly rinsing each diaper insert in the sink after changing him.  When the diaper sits in the bin un-rinsed it dries out the and ammonia crystals get locked into the insert.   I will occasionally boil the insert if I notice it is strong smelling after I take it off of him.

2) I use cloth only during the day. Definitely disposables at night and sometimes during naps.  If I know I am going to be running around town doing a bunch of errands, I use disposables.

3) I used to like the Flip covers and prefolds because he was going through the diapers so quickly, but now I like the convenience of the Bum Genius with the inserts.  The velcro are also easier to get on him, but I have to make sure he has pants on or he will take them off.  I think about 12 cloth diapers is about the perfect of amount for part-time cloth diapering.  I was them about every other day because I don't like the idea of them fermenting in the bin.  My husband is not really on board with cloth because it's not as convenient as disposable and has the potential for more skin irritation, so I do all the washing and prepping.  I use cloth wipes sometimes for cleaning during changing him and cloth wipes are great for wiping him down after meals.  I throw these cloth wipes and bibs in with the cloth diapers to wash.

3)  Cloth diapering is so much better now that he is not tee-teeing every 30 minutes.  Winn also poops in the potty about 75% of the time now.  I hardly ever have to clean poopy cloth diapers which leads me to my next point.

4)  The Bum Genius Diaper Sprayer is an absolute must for cloth diapering moms and toilet training moms.  It is a sprayer that you attach to your toilet.  I use it all the time now to clean out the little potty bowl after poops.

I know that cloth diapering will probably go to the wayside once baby #2 arrives, but I do feel like I am finally getting my money's worth out of the cloth diapers by using them during the day and maybe lessening my carbon footprint.  Even though washing/drying them probably adds alot to my utility bill.   It feels good to no longer be cursing the cloth and Winn seems to like the cloth - he does look so damn cute in them.

I am now a day shy of 37 weeks, so in the homestetch!  I had a cervical check yesterday - nothing happening down there, but made me so sore and crampy afterwards.  I think I will go all the way to my C-section date which is in 20 days!

Date on the Calendar

My c-section is scheduled for March 25 - 2 days before my estimated due date.  Just having a date on the calendar quells some of my anxiety about going through labor and delivery again.  The only way I would have a VBAC is if my water breaks and everything happens spontaneously and beautifully which is not a very likely scenario.  Last week, baby girl was breech and I don't think she has turned down yet.

I am recovering from a 24 hour stomach bug.  It was so brutal!  My husband and I both came down with it at 3 am yesterday morning and could not do anything yesterday.  Thank goodness Winn didn't have it too and I hope he doesn't get it.  I spent most of the day in bed trying to get comfortable and not throw up.  I had Braxton Hicks every five minutes most of the day due to dehydration.  Feeling so much better this morning.

In other news, my husband and I went to the movie theatre for the first time in a year to see August: Osage County.  The cast and acting were great, but I felt like I had been in a bar fight by the time I walked out.  Not a feel good movie at all.  Last night we laid on the couch and watched Steven Soderberg's film Side Effects with Jude Law and Rooney Mara - also depressing.   I need some comic relief!  And the weather is killing me - so cold and wet this winter and I think we are in for some more this weekend.  

Not much longer to go!  I'll keep you posted . . .

To VBAC or not to VABC?

This is the question I have been grappling with lately.

I had my 28 week appt a couple of weeks ago and passed my glucose tolerance test.  My iron is a little low and thyroid level is good.  Baby girl is moving around like crazy, so my doctor says she must be pretty happy in there.

My doctor is very laidback and flexible and has given me the option of choosing a trial of labor over a repeat c-section.  She said she would let me go to 41 weeks if need be.  On Monday this sounded like a good plan.  However, the next day I talked to a friend of mine who delivered vaginally and she tore to a 4 (all the way thru) and the very idea of that frightens me to no end.  She said that sex was painful for a long time after birth and there is alot of scar tissue down there now.

So that really got me research the internet on tearing during delivery and the odds are not really in my favor (are they ever?).  Women over 35 (I am 37) tend to tear 50% of the time, since skin loses elasticity as you age.   I already have significant bladder issues (intersitial cystisis) so I don't need any more problems with my pelvic area.

A planned c-section after 39 weeks is actually safer than a vaginal birth for the baby for a mom who has had a previous c-section.  Though the risk of uterine rupture is small, it is still real and to be accounted for.  My husband is completely on board with having another c-section. VBAC . .  . not so much.  If he was more gung-ho on a trial of labor then maybe I would be more inclined to sway that way.

The only way I really see myself doing VBAC is if my water breaks before 39 weeks and my cervix dilates quickly.  I am not going through another 24 hr plus labor marathon that ends up in c-section like last time.

We go to the doctor again on Monday, so I will revisit this topic with her to see what she thinks.  She herself has had 2 belly births (as my sis-in-law calls them), so I think I know what she will recommend for me.

Back on Track - 20 weeks

Whew!  I made it to the halfway point of this pregnancy which is a relief.  We had our 20 week ultrasound last Wednesday and baby GIRL looks great!  We saw her sucking her thumb and I can feel her kicking around and hiccupping already because my placenta is posterior.  The hematoma has resolved, so no more worrying about that.  Hopefully the rest of my pregnancy will be completely boring.  Last week I started feeling nauseous and tired again and it turned I had a UTI, so I am now on macrobid and feeling much better.  On the other hand, we had to take Winn to the ER on Monday night because his breathing was labored and he had a high fever.  Turns out he has pneumonia and had to get a big shot of antibiotic in his leg and start the baby equivilent of a z-pack.  Today, his nose is finally stopped running after almost 3 weeks of a cold.  I had no idea he was so sick, because he was just running around like usual.  Hopefully, he will stay healthy the rest of cold and flu season.

We are starting to tell people about the pregnancy - well it's kind of obvious now, but it's funny how I feel a little sheepish to be pregnant without having done all the hard work to get there.  Well, bedrest in the first trimester was not easy, but you know what I mean.   I do believe that this baby girl will complete our family, but I am unsure of what to do in the future.  Do I get my tubes tied?  What about all my frozen embryos in Colorado?  My husband is of the the mind to donate them to another couple, but I lean more towards donating to research.  While it is such a noble thing to do, I think I would be weird knowing that my biological children would be with another couple.  It just seems out of my comfort zone, but my husband is not comfortable with the other way things would go.  My mother has said if we end up donating them, she does not want to know about it.  It's a whole big can of worms to me. But luckily we can buy time to not have to make a decision about that now.  

Not much other news to report.  Just thinking about the holidays and meeting my new nephew from Savannah at Thanksgiving.  We had a great trip to the beach in October - that seems ages ago now.  I hope everyone is enjoying the change in the weather.  The fall color is beautiful in Mississippi now.  This morning while I had a babysitter, I took a walk with my gold retreiver (who blends right in with the autumn colors) and it was quite lovely to be just me and my puppy dog.

Stubborn Subchorionic Hematoma

I wish I had never heard of this medical condition, but by now I am on intimate terms with it.

Yesterday's ultrasound showed little change in the size in the hematoma.  The tech measured 6 cm and and last week it was 5 cm.  It is as big as the baby and lies like a little cresent hammock underneath it.  I was disappointed because I have been really trying to take it easy and it did not seem to help.   This week, I am going to try to do more bedrest to see if it helps.

On a happier note, the baby is doing well and is measuring 12wk6d (different techs come up with different measurements).  I am just trying to focus on that that and that the overwhelming majority of SCH resolve.

Where does the time go?

It's been awhile - Winn and I are just chugging along.  He is almost 15 months and is a busy little bee now.  Fully weaned and sleeping better.  Still only 2 teeth, but I can see some on the top trying to poke through.  A week ago, he got his first big boy haircut and it looks so cute.  He is slowly acquiring a rudimentary vocabulary, but still mostly points at what he wants even though he knows some baby signing. I'm getting lots of sweet kisses and hugs from him.

So here's what's been going on in my world aside from Winn:

Around the beginning of August, after I fully weaned Winn, I started feeling nauseated.  I thought it might have something to do with weaning or that it was my gallbladder.  But something made me go
buy a pregnancy test just to make sure since I do take migraine medicine that is contraindicated with pregnancy.   I tested in the afternoon, a few days before my period was due, and and two lines appeared immediately.  This was a big surprise, since I had given up on the idea of spontaenous pregnancy.   We were not trying, but not preventing either.  We were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" so there was no documented reason that of why we were having a difficult time conceiving.  With the pressure off and perhaps all the pregnancy and lactation hormones kickstarted my ovaries into gear.   I had what I thought was a period in July, but looking back it was a strange bleed (just blood no clots).  Then I bled one afternoon randomly at the end of July.  I scheduled my first prenatal appointment on Aug 27 based on what I thought was my cycle in July.  On Sun Aug 25, I started bleeding after sneezing while I was holding Winn.  It was so scary, but it did stop after an hour or so.  I went into the doctor on Monday and I was expecting the worst news at the ultrasound, but instead we saw a little bean jumping around with a heartbeat in the 180's.  And the baby was measuring 9 wks 4 days, so that puts me conceiving around the end of June/beginning of July.  The u/s tech noted 2 small subchorionic hematomas (fancy jargon for blood clots where the placenta is trying to form).  I was scheduled for another ultrasound the following week to monitor the blood clots.

Armed with a grainy black and white picture ultrasound picture, we drove back home relieved with our good fortune.  However, I started bleeding again 4 days later.  Filling up pads like a first day of flow.  I freaked out and called the OB on call at the hospital and he said there is nothing I can do but take it easy and just wait it out and that they usually resolve on their own.

The bleeding did stop, but I still kept spotting.  The ultrasound the next week showed a healthy growing fetus and one of the clots disappeared and the other one appeared to be resolving.   But a few days later the bleeding started again, this time darker blood and heavier.  By the weekend, the active bleeding tapered off and I could only see faint color on the toilet paper.  I am the most paranoid tp inspecter now.  So yesterday, I went back to the doctor for my weekly monitoring ultrasound appt expecting to get the news that the clot had resolved, but instead it is bigger at 5 cm (the size of the baby).  I met with my OB who recommended "modified bedrest."  A very tall order when you have a 25 lb active toddler!  I've had to line up babysitters to take Winn to the park.  He is on babysitter #2 of the day right now.   My poor husband is having to pull double duty - working all day and then coming home to do most of the heavy lifting of getting Winn ready for bedtime.  I've had lots of bad headaches and nausea, so he is waiting on me alot too.

So it's not been an easy picnic around here and our excitment about a new baby is tempered by the worry and fear of miscarriage due to the subchorionic hematoma.   I've been reluctant to share our news with anyone outside of close family.   Every week, I get to peek inside and see how the little bean is growing and it's gone from a little blob to a fully formed fetus with arms and legs kicking around.  It's precious, but feels dangerous to get attached.  I am so ready to be past the point of worry.  I've read everything I can find on the web about other women's experiences with hematomas and mostly it's good news, but sometimes the clots stick around for a long time (up to 20 weeks).  One study I read found significant reduction in miscarriage with bedrest and then other studies are inconclusive.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible and praying for the best.
 I know this post sounds like alot of whining, but I guess this is my place to allay some of my fears. Thanks for reading.

One year!

Winn turned 1 this week!   I don't know where my baby went - he has morphed into a busy rambunctious toddler overnight.  Still not full on walking, but it won't be long.  He has one little tooth on the bottom finally.  He is super attached to me now, which is sweet but sometimes problematic.  I had a babysitter who was coming on Wednesday mornings, but I had to let her go, because he was so unhappy with her.  Even though I get annoyed when he whines when I try to put him down to do something, I try to remind myself that this time is so fleeting and one day I will really miss holding him on my hip.   We are taking a signing/music class which is fun and he is doing the signs for milk, hungry, and down.  This week lots of lightbulbs seem to be going off in his little head.  And my lord, he is so demanding - everytime I eat something, he starts pointing emphatically and says "unh, unh." It is not relaxing to try to eat/drink around him.

It was a busy week with the birthday festivities - I did a picnic party at the community garden where we have had a plot for the last 4 years.  It was pretty hot, but luckily the mosquitos stayed away and I saw the first lightning bugs of year on his birthday.  It went by so quickly and I was so busy visiting with folks and making sure everything all the food and drinks were being served, I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted.  I need to figure out how to get stills from video footage.  It was so funny to watch his expression when everyone started singing "Happy Birthday" - he was like "why the hell is everyone singing to me."  He loved his carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting - ate every bit of it.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by my family and it made me reminisce about this time last year when I was trying to bring him out into the world.  Even though I was very tired after the party, it did not compare to the utter exhaustion of labor and delivery.

I still trying to make peace with ending up a c-section.  Isn't it crazy that I still mourn not being able to experience vaginal birth.  Why is that?  My husband is convinced that the natural childbirth movement is anti-feminist, because it makes women who needed a c-section feel bad about not being "woman" enough to push their babies out on the their on.  If we ever have another child, he is definitely for CBAC - cesarean brith after cesarean :)

So one thing that has helped compensate for my traumatic delivery is that I finally reached my goal of breastfeeding for a whole year!  I stuck it out even with the dysmorphic milk ejection reflex (weird depressed feeling right before letdown) and vasospasm in my left nipple.  Now that I met my goal, I've started tapering off.  We are down to 2 times a day.  While it's been a wonderful experience, I am ready to move on and hopefully he won't be too hard to wean.  Even though I'm ready, there is a part of me that just cringes with the thought of stopping completely.

Lots of changes are coming down the pipeline -  I want to get serious about sleep training again, so I don't lose my sanity.  I have never been about to put him in his crib and walk away for a nap.  Instead, I have to stroll him to sleep or drive him around and then transfer him to his crib.  Lately, he has been waking up during the transfer and so I don't get my much needed mommy break.  I hate to do CIO, but I feel like it's the only way with him.  Does anyone have any suggestions?    I hope we make a breakthrough soon . . .

I've been going to the park alot lately - Winn loves swinging and climbing up the slides.  With my REI dividend, I bought a burley bike trailer and that has revolutionized my life this summer.  I feel so free when I'm riding my bike with him and he loves it.  It had been almost 2 years since I've ridden a bike because of fertility treatments, being pregnant and then waiting for him to get old enough to ride.

So that's what been going on in my world - It has been an amazing year of growth and transformation!

                                                                    His first pool

                                                     with my mom, his Lala, on his birthday

                                                                      in the Burley

Happy 9 months!

Has it really been 9 months?  These 9 months have gone by so much faster than the previous nine months.  I am having a hard time keeping track of the days now.  Winn is a busy little bee these days - crawling so much that his knees and tops of his feet are black and blue.  He has started throwing little fits too, protesting the stroller and carseat and really fighting me on going down in his crib.  I think he is going to be a headstrong little guy.   But it is so much fun to watch him move around and explore every nook and cranny of my house.  I'm babyproofing as we go.  Today I realized that my 3 house plants are all highly toxic, so I will have to find a new home for them :(

Winn loves to eat!   He puts everything in his mouth.  I've caught him standing up in the kitchen with the cabinet knob in this mouth.  Still no teeth, but I can see the top ones behind his gums.

Life is good now.  Weather is warming up and the days are longer.   I'm not gonna lie - this past winter was tough for me.  Having a baby has been wonderful, but it's been more of an adjustment than I expected and also been hard on my relationship with my husband in ways I did not expect.

We took our first plane ride to Savannah, GA to visit my sister's family and had a great time.  My sister is due in July and I have a cousin due in August.  Both boys.  I'm glad that Winn will have some cousins around his age.

We got our embryo storage bill yesterday.   We're thinking it will be next spring before we go back for round 2.  I need a breather and it will be good to have some time to chill before we jump back into shots and hormones.

Even though I've been a bad blogger - I still follow along with everyone.  We are all being swept along in the everflowing current of this turbulent beautiful river called Life.   thank you for sharing your stories with me-




In Savannah Bee Company - Sela, our golden retriever, claimed this bee when we got home.

In Forsyth park, about to put a cigarette butt in his mouth! 

the fountain was dyed green for St Paddy's day :) 

A New Year . . what's ahead?

I can't believe that I've been a mother for over 6 months!  We had a very good Christmas with Winn and the rest of my extended family.  My favorite part was the Christmas Eve service at my parent's church - he sat through the whole thing.  He is such a good baby most of the time.  Breastfeeding has evened out.  I offer him solids twice a day and he loves to eat anything I give him, especially fruits.  Sleeping is going better for the most part.  I've had to re-ferberize him on occasions after we go out of town, etc.  Winn had his 6 month shots last Monday and that made him cranky for a couple of days - glad to get that over with.  We didn't get the flu shot for him, but our pedi told us to keep him away from Walmart. 

 It's been raining so much lately and I'm so sick of it, because I love getting outside with him.  My living room has turned into a play station. I have surrendered to the chronic mess that goes along with having a child.  I ordered this baby corral thing with extensions to make it bigger, and put down 3 yoga mats inside it.  He can really get some traction on my yoga mats and is starting to crawl!  I can get in there and play with him.  Favorite toys are stacking cups I bought at walgreens and these bath toys  - he loves anything that is not a toy, i.e. remote control, my phone.  His favorite book is Brown Bear Brown Bear what do you see. - first book he actually looks at while I'm reading instead of trying to eat it.  No teeth yet, but I am sure they will be in any day now. 

Even though Winn is still a little baby,  we've been thinking about if and when we want to try to give him a brother or sister.  I'm reading Far from the Tree by Andrew Soloman and it's kind of freaking me out about having another child.  The chapter I am reading right now is all about mothers raising severely autistic children and how hard that is. Not a good book to read when contemplating having more children. Other chapters were on deafness, dwarfism, down syndrome, schizophrenia and prodigies. Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop at one.    There are some days where I feel like I could handle 2 babies close in age, but other days when it totally wears me out to picture my life with an infant and a toddler.  We need alot more money coming in to make it a comfortable option for us, i.e. bigger house and part-time nanny.  I want to breastfeed until Winn is at least a year old (if he wants to go that long).  If we are gungho about having another baby, I think we would go back out to Colorado in October for another FET and then they would be exactly 2 years apart if it worked.  But will I be ready by the Fall?   I'm lucky to have my frosties, so I don't feel a huge pressure to jump right back into fertility treatments again and who knows maybe it will happen naturally (yeah right).  Technically, I have until age 54 to make this decision regarding my frozen embryos.   I don't want to wait too long, because I'd like to go back to work and I am scared I will forget everything I know if I stay at home too long.  So we'll see what happens.  Right now I just don't have that strong yearning to have another baby, which is probably pretty normal at seven months postpartum . . . I just want to focus on Winn and enjoying all of his "firsts" which are my firsts too.  

Merry Christmas!

Winn's first visit with Santa . . . wishing all of you a happy Christmas and New Year!   

Ferberizing

First, thanks to all of you who posted your sleep tips - all good food for thought!  I am so grateful to have such a great support system.   Just finished our 3rd night of using Richard Ferber's sleep strategies and it appears to be working!!!  I am not doing everything he says to do (don't have to heart to eliminate the paci or sound machine) and I am bringing Winn to bed with me at his 5:30 waking, but I am making progress!  

I need to sleep train myself now, because Winn slept all night long and my boobs have not gotten the message yet.  I was wide awake at 2 am last night.  When I get to the point when I am not waking up at night, I am going to feel like I can conquer the world or at least my house.  

Yesterday I pulled my baby carrying muscle - the one between my left shoulder and backbone.  I am taking aleve/advil every 4 hours.  Make sure you switch arms on carrying lest up like me!

I am so relieved that this seems to be working for now. The first night was so hard, but it's gotten easier each night. I think it was harder on my husband than me, because I am bearing the brunt of co-sleeping, therefore am more motivated to get him sleeping in his crib.  I am sure we will have setbacks and I will have to retrain, but now I have more confidence in Winn's sleeping abilities and feel like I can start getting back on track with my sleep in order to keep me sane and cheerful.  

I ordered Winn this high chair - He starts solids next week as he will be six months next Tuesday.  My boy's growing up!

Sleep Conundrum

Winn's sleep struggles began when he refused to sleep in the arms reach co-sleeper I wasted $130 on.  The main culprit in the beginning may have been the reflux and he just didn't like being flat on his back.  I kept pulling out the co-sleeper to try again every month or so and he never took to it.  He slept in his rock-n-play during the first part of the night with some fussing and then and then when he woke up in the wee hours of the morning I would move him to his swing still swaddled.

But around 4 months, he started refusing the rock-n-play and I found he would go to sleep very quickly in bed with me when he was swaddled and I soothed him to sleep.  Sometimes I would still move him to his swing, but now he is too big to be in the swing swaddled and not fastened down.  I have tried just swaddling his arms and leaving his feet free so I can strap him in, but the swaddle works upwards over his lower face, so I don't feel comfortable with that option.

For the last month, we have been bedsharing (my husband doesn't sleep with us).  He sleeps swaddled in the middle of the bed and I am  on my side facing him and can't stretch out so my neck, shoulders and arm is not entirely relaxed.  Sometimes he wakes up and I nestle him in the crook of my arm and then my arm really suffers after about 30 min.  I get up at about 2 am to do a dream feed.  He usually sleeps through that and then at 5 am he wakes up and wants to be unswaddled and will sleep for about another hour in my arms. (this is on a good night)  This routine has it's advantages - no crying and I can get sleep when he is not fidgeting around.  I love being close to him and knowing that he is safe by my side.  But I worry about when he is too big for the swaddle and him moving around the bed.  I want to transition him to his crib while he can still wear a swaddle and he is not too mobile.  And I would like to cosleep with my husband again too.

I've read the expert's advice about getting your baby to sleep independently and they say not to put your baby in the crib asleep because when they wake up it freaks them out.  But if I put Winn in the crib awake, it freaks him out.  He has only slept in his crib a couple of nights around 4 months old and then not the whole night.  I think he now knows how nice it is to have Mama's warm body next to him in bed and he's not buying this lonely desert of a crib - we have no bumpers, pillows or blankets in the crib.   I know he can sleep on a flat surface now, because he sleeps in my bed.  And he can sleep for long periods of time.  Why can't he do that in the crib?  I played around with the Ferber method last night, but finally gave in and took him to bed with me.  I was really exhausted - perhaps I will try again tonight.

Should I wait until he is 6 months old and let him cry it out?   It really pains me to hear him get upset, but I think the longterm benefits would be worth it.   This is all coming to a head because it seems that he is growing too big for all his sleep crutches.  He's got to learn how to self-soothe . . . what's a mama to do?

Baby Bunting and Baptism

Winn is 20 weeks or 5 months and getting so big!  He can roll from this back to belly, and today he mastered belly to back!  He loves blowing raspberries and is getting alot for vocal and crying almost everytime I put him on the changing table.  He loves all variations of peek-a-boo and for some reason really likes it when I say "no m'am" to him.  It's so fun picking up on his sense of humor.  We have been enjoying this fall weather by taking lots of walks with him in his carrier (highly recommend the Beco gemini) and he's been wearing his baby bunting since it's been so cool this week.

On the breastfeeding front, I saw the breastfeeding doctor in Jackson and she did not think I had thrush, but did diagnose me with a vasospasm.  I really couldn't believe it wasn't yeast and it took me about a week to really understand that my nipple irritation was due to vasospasm.  I stopped using cold vinegar rinses.  I noticed that my clothing rubbing was really setting off the vasospasm so I got some Medela breast shells and they have helped alot.  I'm definitely alot better now.  There is medication I could take to stop the vasospasm called nifedipine (BP med) and I took it one night and it gave me a migraine, so I couldn't take it anymore.  I am taking high does of magnesium, calcium and Vit D which is also recommended.   Half the battle was figuring out what was going on with my nipple.  It really sucks when breastfeeding is not comfortable.

Winn was baptized a couple of weeks ago and it was really sweet. He wore his daddy's christening gown.  Probably the only time I will be able to dress him up like a little doll :)

Happy Fall Y'all!

Some downtime, finally!

Winn took a 2 1/2 hour nap this afternoon and I feel like I had the day off!  And now I put him down to sleep at 9 pm (usually his bedtime is at 11:30pm).  I could get used to this real fast.  I had time to catch up on blogs, cook a decent supper and relax on the couch.  I may even get to watch some Downton Abbey.  I rented the dvd on netflix and I am addicted.

Still dealing with a sore left nipple.  You would think at 4 months I would have this breastfeeding thing down pat.  I don't know if it's residual yeast issues or what.  I am going to a breastfeeding doctor in Madison, MS next week, so hopefully she will help me.  I went to a dermatologist today to get a mole removed on my back and I talked to him about my nipple problem.  Poor guy, he didn't really have much of a clue.  He prescribed me some steroid cream to apply for 10 days.  I told him about Dr. Jack Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment (APNO) and he thought that was too strong.   He said that breastfeeding is irritating to nipples because of the digestive enzymes in the saliva and that is why most women stop.  Absolutely no words of encouragement from him.

Anyhoo - Winn is growing like a weed.  75th percentile!

I've got 2 new books going on my kindle.  One is Wild by Cheryl Strayed and the other is Why Have Kids.   Wild is beautifully written and emotionally raw - her mom dies from lung cancer when she is only 22, pretty heavy stuff.   "Why Have Kids" is an interesting read so far and is basically saying that having childen is not going to make me happy and all the research actually shows that adults become less happy after they have kids.  I wonder if they have done this research on infertiles?  I wonder if we are less unhappy because it took us so long to get to have kids.  I will say that being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done day in and day out.  It's totally exhausting having a baby, but I will take it any day over still trying to make a baby.  My heart and prayers go out to all the women who are trying right now.  

Amost 4 months old!

Whew!  Just got Winn down for the night.  Earlier than usual, so that's always nice.   He's a night owl like his daddy.  I can't believe we've come full circle from where we were last year sitting on pins and needles waiting for a positive beta. And it was 4 years ago, when Obama was running against McCain that we first started trying.  It took 4 years for Winn to get here and I am so thankful to finally have him in my arms.

Winn is growing up so fast!  Tonight he grabbed a fistful of rice off my dinner plate.  He is smiling and laughing and squealing.  It's funny when his crying turns into laughter.   He's generally an easy-going baby, but likes to be held alot.  He's finally warmed up to Sela, our golden retriever.  She actually provides lots of entertainment.

 Still has alot of reflux and I cut dairy out this week to see if it helps.  Also cut out sugars because I got thrush (yeast infection on the nipples), so I think I am finally going to lose the last of the baby weight.

We spent 10 days down at the beach in Gulf Shores.  It was lovely to get away and have such a beautiful change of scenery.  The weather was just perfect.  The monarch butterflies were starting to migrate.  We saw lots of Great Blue Herons, sandpipers, pelicans and dolphins.  We got Winn in the ocean which he tolerated.  Lots of walks on the beaches at sunset and one morning I drug myself out of bed to catch the sunrise.

Just got interrupted by Winn crying out - he's awake - this sleep shit is hard to figure out (for both of us)!  I've gone back to using the swing for long naps during the day and then sometimes at night especially in the wee hours of the early morning when he is sleeping more lightly.  I've stopped co-sleeping in the morning since we got home from the beach because I found that he was having more reflux and also I was not sleeping well due to his fidgeting and my worries that the cover was going to aphyxiate him somehow.   Still rocking out the rock n play. What would I do with that thing?   So no crib sleeping yet.

So breastfeeding is still somewhat challenging.   I almost had mastitis again, but was able to head it off with constant nursing.  I noticed last week that my nipples were sore again, but the lanolin wasn't helping restore them.   I've always been prone to yeast infections, so I'm not surprised that I developed thrush.  I took diflucan and it seems to nipped it in the bud.  lots and lots of different remedies out there.

So the postpartum hairloss is no joke.  Fistful of hair comes out in the shower.

I'm settling into more of a routine and embracing my new role as a mother.   never thought i woyuld be a stay at home mom .  it is harder than  i thought it would be, but it is such a privilege to spend my whole day (and night) with Winn.

I'll leave you with some recent pics -

Dammit - he is just woke up again - arggh-  could he be teething already - he is drooling like a madman and chomping on his fists all night.

10 weeks

I am losing count of the weeks - they are flying by!  I am more in love with this little guy every day.   I still can't completely wrap my head around the fact that I have a baby.  His dad discovered that he is ticklish and he is laughing out loud - it's the funniest thing to me.  He is definitely turning into a little person and starting to be more interested in the world around him.  He loves staring at the remote control  - anything with contrast.

He had his shots last week and they went fine - just a little diarrhea from the dtap.  We went to visit my parents for three days in the Mississippi Delta.  It was delightful to get a change of scenery and time with Deda and Lala and his Aunt Annie, who was off work for a week.  He also met his great grandmother, Nana, who is almost 91.  She has dementia, but is still the sweetest lady.  When I introduced her to Winn, she said "Aw, what a sweet puppy. Wait, that's no puppy!"  It was funny, because he does have puppy-like characteristics - very soft downy hair, sweet innocent eyes, and skin he needs to grow into.   My sister said that when she looks at him, she gets the same warm feeling that she gets when she looks at her dogs (she is a dog lover).  

Speaking of dogs, I feel guilty because our golden retriever, Sela, is getting short shrift lately.   Limited walks because it is too hot and not alot of pets because I feel like I need to keep my hands clean.  She loves Winn though and is very good around him.

I went to see the doctor about my hands and he said it was carpal tunnel and not to worry about it because it would go away when my hormones settle back down.  It has definitely gotten alot better and I was glad it was not much to be concerned about.

I think I had a period last week, which surprised me because I am exclusively beastfeeding.  It was pretty light so really do not know what to make of it.  i am happy to report that breastfdg got exponentially easier in the past 2 weeks.  thank god!

sleep - some nights are better than others.  Generally, he goes to bed midnight-ish and sleeps until 5 am. Wakes up to feed and falls back asleep until 8:30.  Usually I take a nap with him in the afternoon.  He is still sleeping in his rock n' play cradle at night and then sometimes with me.  It's sad that my husband and I have not "co-slept" since about a month before he was born and romance is pretty much out the window right now, because (a) my lactating boobs are not that sexy (b) He is working so hard trying to bring cases in and manage his law practice to keep food on the table (c) it's kind of dry down there.
I started using estrace (estrogen cream) to help with the dryness - so hopefully that will help matters.

I need to stop blogging and wind down - downtime and sleep are such a precious commodities around here!

Love to all of you and may all your dreams come true.

7 weeks old

Hi there!  Blogging with a baby is hard - I still read all your posts, but am having trouble getting my fingers on the key board, since my lap is mostly occupied now.  Winn is doing great!  I go to a breastfeeding support group at the hospital on Fridays and he weighed in at 12 # 3 oz and then 12 # 8 oz when we left.  He took 5 oz from one breast!  I feel like a moo cow.  Breastfeeding is still challenging at times, but it is getting easier.  I was having oversupply issues (Poor baby was getting sprayed on my right side) so I started just nursing one side at a feeding and that is working so much better.

The only thing I am concerned about now is possible tendonitis in my thumbs.  It's called De Quervian's tendosynovitis or "Mommy Wrist."  I had a touch of this in grad school during finals from writing so much and also when I was housepainting alot.  But that was self limiting because I could stop writing or painting so much, but I can't stop taking care of my baby and he is only going to get heavier!  I am going to see the orthorpedic doc on Monday to nip it in the bud.  Maybe get a cortisone shot.

I had a bout of Mastitis a week ago.  Was not too painful, but just felt awful, like I had the flu.  It went away very quickly when I started antibiotics.  I had my 6 week check up on Monday and my doctor says my incision looks great.  I am still about 15 lbs over my prepregnancy weight.

Winn is sleeping 5-6 solid hours during the night.  I usually get him down by midnight and he sleeps until 5.  He sleeps alot during the day, so I feel like I should feel more rested and accomplish more.  I have been watching lots of Olympics.  pretty much od'd on it. no more volleyball and water polo!

Yesterday was my first time back on my yoga mat.  It felt so good to stretch out, though I am somewhat limited because of the tendonitis.  It feels strange to be able to lay on my belly again, though now my boobs are in the way.

Winn is cooing and smiling more.  He has discovered his hands and is now able to entertain himself a bit.   He has still not made the transition to sleeping in his crib from his swing at night.  I think I will work on that this week.  My husband and I are still in disbelief that we have a real live baby in our possession. This time last year, he was a little frozen embie and I was coming down off a hormonal rollercoaster after a retrieval.  I turned 36 last week.  We celebrated by going out to eat for lunch and dinner and Winn was so good on my birthday - let me sleep in and hardly cried all day.  It was exactly how I wanted to spend my 36th birthday.

Congrats to Jen on her BFP!  and to Krista on the arrival of her son!

This time last year

 sleepy

 happy

Love this onesie from my husband's friend

Morning of my 36th birthday - can you see how freaking engorged I am? 

5 weeks old!

I have sat down many times to write this post, only to be interrupted by a burping session, a diaper change, a pacifier fix . .  .  Taking care of a baby is all consuming - don't know how the Yahoo CEO is going to do it without maternity leave - I guess she can afford a full-time nanny, but still.  

Winn is starting to coo and smile and it just melts my heart.  Breastfeeding is going alot better.  It's like learning a new language for both of us.  A book I read described breastfeeding as you and your baby's first conversation.

Randomly through the day and when I am nursing, I have this weird let-down thing where I feel like my body is gross and fat and then a few seconds later, I will have my let-down and the feeling goes away.  My mom told me when she breastfed, she felt really depressed for a minute and then it would go away.  As it turns out, I have a mild case of Dysmorphic Milk Ejection Reflex or D-MER.  It's not bad enough to make me want to quit breastfeeding, but it's just very strange.

We started Zantac last week for the reflux and he has stopped crying so much at night. Also some high powered gas drops called Levsin that I only break out if he is really fussing.  I am doing colief drops (a lactaid for babies) and probiotic powder that I mix into a little expressed breast milk and give him via bottle.  I love my Milkie's Milksaver that Newbie recommended- this little handy contraption allows me to save the milk that leaks from the breast I'm not nursing on.  I use this milk to administer all my little anti-colic cocktails.  Zantac tastes awful, but he doesn't mind it mixed with the milk.

We have started strolling in the Bob and it is so much fun!  It is great to get out of the house, but I wish it wasn't so hot.  Can't wait until the Fall.

Winn has already outgrown his newborn clothes - he is getting heavy!  I get quite a workout toting him around all day long. He sleeps in his swing and also in this cradle by Fisher Price.  The arms reach co-sleeper was a total waste of money.  And sometimes he sleeps in my arms.  I love the miracle blanket for swaddling him.  He will come out of anything else.  He actually sleeps really well at night - I have to wake him up for a feeding, so I don't get super engorged.

Winn's diaper rash went away with a lavendar salve my sister-in-law makes.  Cloth diapering is going much better.  Sometimes, it's exhausting because laundry is not my favorite chore, but we are going through so so many diapers, so the prefolds with covers have been great.  I really like the prefolds with the Flip cover (snaps) and the Bumgenius 4.0 pocket diapers with snaps.

So I feel like we are getting more into a rhythm   I'm slowly catching up on sleep.  Postpartum blues have faded away.  My body is feeling more normal.  Winn is waking up to the world and I love it!