Sunday, November 18, 2012

Sleep Conundrum

Winn's sleep struggles began when he refused to sleep in the arms reach co-sleeper I wasted $130 on.  The main culprit in the beginning may have been the reflux and he just didn't like being flat on his back.  I kept pulling out the co-sleeper to try again every month or so and he never took to it.  He slept in his rock-n-play during the first part of the night with some fussing and then and then when he woke up in the wee hours of the morning I would move him to his swing still swaddled.

But around 4 months, he started refusing the rock-n-play and I found he would go to sleep very quickly in bed with me when he was swaddled and I soothed him to sleep.  Sometimes I would still move him to his swing, but now he is too big to be in the swing swaddled and not fastened down.  I have tried just swaddling his arms and leaving his feet free so I can strap him in, but the swaddle works upwards over his lower face, so I don't feel comfortable with that option.

For the last month, we have been bedsharing (my husband doesn't sleep with us).  He sleeps swaddled in the middle of the bed and I am  on my side facing him and can't stretch out so my neck, shoulders and arm is not entirely relaxed.  Sometimes he wakes up and I nestle him in the crook of my arm and then my arm really suffers after about 30 min.  I get up at about 2 am to do a dream feed.  He usually sleeps through that and then at 5 am he wakes up and wants to be unswaddled and will sleep for about another hour in my arms. (this is on a good night)  This routine has it's advantages - no crying and I can get sleep when he is not fidgeting around.  I love being close to him and knowing that he is safe by my side.  But I worry about when he is too big for the swaddle and him moving around the bed.  I want to transition him to his crib while he can still wear a swaddle and he is not too mobile.  And I would like to cosleep with my husband again too.

I've read the expert's advice about getting your baby to sleep independently and they say not to put your baby in the crib asleep because when they wake up it freaks them out.  But if I put Winn in the crib awake, it freaks him out.  He has only slept in his crib a couple of nights around 4 months old and then not the whole night.  I think he now knows how nice it is to have Mama's warm body next to him in bed and he's not buying this lonely desert of a crib - we have no bumpers, pillows or blankets in the crib.   I know he can sleep on a flat surface now, because he sleeps in my bed.  And he can sleep for long periods of time.  Why can't he do that in the crib?  I played around with the Ferber method last night, but finally gave in and took him to bed with me.  I was really exhausted - perhaps I will try again tonight.

Should I wait until he is 6 months old and let him cry it out?   It really pains me to hear him get upset, but I think the longterm benefits would be worth it.   This is all coming to a head because it seems that he is growing too big for all his sleep crutches.  He's got to learn how to self-soothe . . . what's a mama to do?

14 comments:

  1. I would wait til 6 mo then do Ferber. And follow it to the book. You can't "play around" with it and expect it to work. For example. Letting him cry sometimes the picking him up and bringing him to bed other times will just confuse him and NOT result in training. If you haven't already, really read Ferber's book. You can also try to gradually get him there while waiting til 6 mo by starting him off say in the pack n' play at nite or for naps.

    Been there done that. Ferber really works if you do it by the book. I cringe when I read blogs and people do part of it but not all and then proclaim that sleep training doesn't work.

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  2. No advice but wanted to wish you good luck. We are co-sleeping for now and I am also thinking it's going to be difficult to move her to her own bed.

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  3. I have only ever known of one infant who could tolerate being put to bed "drowsy but awake"- and he was my friend's third, and the first of her three who could handle it. Both of my girls had to be put in their crib asleep. We sleep trained later, and the almost-four-year-old is an *amazing* sleeper, and the almost-two-year-old is solid, as long as she's not sick.

    Don't let the books stress you out too much. Maybe you are forming habits right now, but everyone, including YOU, needs to sleep at some point, and there is no such thing as a habit they form at four months old that never be broken. Do what works for you and your baby and don't let them scare you!

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  4. As much as I hate to say it, the Ferber stuff works, but you have to be totally dedicated to it. If you let him cry for 45 minutes and then give in, you're only teaching him that if he cries for 45 minutes he'll get to come sleep in the warm bed. We had Ferberized and then illness set us back, we were able to re-Ferberize in just one night. It's very tough at the beginning and hard to agree to letting your baby cry (or "protest" as Ferber puts it), but I am a 100% believer in it.

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  5. Also, I put my baby down awake but drowsy every single night and he puts himself to sleep. Naps, too. No rocking, no pacifier, no nursing to sleep. Just his bedtime routine and down in the crib awake.

    NOW he has never slept through the night...that's a different issue. But he's a pro at GOING to sleep ; )

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    1. thanks Lulu - I just ordered the book off Amazon - I'm going to study up on it before I do it and then do it when I am rested > > hmmm wonder when that will happen:) that's awesome that Alex can fall asleep by himself. good work Mama!

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  6. Hi there.i am not in the Ferber camp at all, so bare with me. I was EXACTLY where ou are, three months ago. Sleeping with Livi (husband in a different bed) swaddled, lots of night times wakenings to nurse, putting her in her crib off and on in the night and then bringing her back in. I stressed ALOT about sleep training, bought all the books, read all the sites, and had no idea how I would incorporate sleep training with unswaddling, moving her to her crib and teaching her to fall asleep without motion or nursing.this is how I did it, ....so take it as advice or a story, your choice completely. Does Winn self sooth for naps? If not, that is the first Step. It turns out Livi had a self sooth practice since she was born, but got fatigued before she fell asleep, as it involves leg lifts and is physical. When she learned to roll onto her side, then the leg lifts were supported by the mattress and she was able to self sooth till she fell asleep. Does Winn like a soother? Or a blanky (breathable one)? Does he have a ritual he does when he's tired that puts him to sleep? If so, encourage it. Anyways, I started to unswaddle gradually, a starting in the morning and working backwards through the night, as the swaddle was part of her falling asleep and e bed time routine. Expect a rough few nights, because as soon as their arms are free, they swat their face and wake themselves up. It takes them a while to stop doing that. Get more comfortable in bed. Not sure why you're facing him, but I put a pillow behind her so she doesn't roll off, and then make myself comfortable on my side of the bed. About when he's in the crook of your arm....no need for your arm to suffer. Curl your arm around him so you can touch his leg, and place your pillow under your head and neck, NOT your shoulder. It took me a long time to perfect that little trick, but it makes a HUGE difference. Livi and I can sleep like that for a long time. About getting him from your bed to his crib at night.....once he's unswaddled and comfortable sleeping like that 100%, tackle moving him then. Doing before is too much at once. Proceed like you did with the swaddling. Your last nurse of the night .....walk him to the nursery, make sure he sees this so that he doesn't get freaked out like you say. Nurse him there and put him to sleep in his crib. Work backward through the night untill you start putting him to sleep in his crib. You staying there for some time might be an idea at first, to wean him off having you there. At this point. Livi and I fall asleep and wake up together. I love it and am only feeling pressure to change it in case I get a job where I have to travel. Sharing a bed with DH again is no rush...I have always liked my own bed. I am gratefully Livi had a built in self soother....I hope you ans Winn find a smooth way to transition everything. All I can say is....listen to your heart, the experts are not his parents, you are. Take your time and do things in a way that make sense to you emotionally and logically. I got pressured and have a few regrets now in the way I rushed things. It will all work itself out.

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  7. Oh one more thing...when he is sleeping in the crook of your arm...another little trick, place a pillow behind your back for support when lying on your side. It's amazing how comfortable that is.

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    1. Iveta, thanks for the ergonomic tips! I don't know why I'm not giving myself enough room to sleep - not like he can roll over in his swaddle. when he comes out of the swaddle like he did last night he keeps me up! Winn has to jump around for at least 20 minutes before he can fall asleep at night. and he hums himself to sleep (that melts my heart). I am interested to read the Ferber book, but its like 500 pages! daunting for the time-pressed, sleep-deprived mommy. I think you are right about just giving him time to slowly adjust to coming out of the swaddle and us moms not giving them enough credit that they will figure out how to do it:) are you still co-sleep some parts of the night or is livvie in her crib? thanks!

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  8. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't - not quite there yet ;)I sure hope you get this figured out though. Sounds like some of the ladies above have some great advice. Good luck!

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  9. We saw our Dr. at CCRM this week and he asked about the twins, we told him they weren't sleeping and then jokingly said to him, hey, you helped us get two beautiful babies, can you help us get them to sleep? He said for his own kids he used the advice in the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. We bought the book on the way home and are starting with their methods...too soon to tell if it's working but the early signs look good. I'm sure I'll be writing about the whole experience in a week or two.
    Two things the book said that I thought were interesting...first is that IVF moms often have a really hard time sleep training their kids, after going through so much to get them...
    And the second which is true for us is that it is often easier for the FATHER to do the sleep training...don't know if that's an option for you, but my husband doesn't cave where I would and that's helping us.
    Anyway, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. The sleep thing is so hard...

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  10. The sleep thing is tricky! If it weren't for me having to go back to work I probably wouldn't have worked at it as hard as I did. Logan doesn't sleep through the night yet he wakes up to nurse at least once but goes right back to sleep. He also slept with us until 9 weeks, then I started to put him in his pack n' play for naps & then eventually during the nights. Now he ONLY sleeps in the crib, won't sleep anywhere else. Again, I only did this because I had to go back to work and we needed to put Logan on some time of routine so my husband is able to work at home and watch Logan during the day. I always put him to sleep while he was awake, also we found out that he likes to sleep on his tummy. I did the dream feed in the beginning and that really helped with getting rid of one of his awake times. He used to wake up twice. I started with nap time first, getting him to self sooth and putting himself down. I would rub his back sometimes, pick him up again and give him a little more love somedays until he got use to it. Also shhhhing was huge, it helps soothe him big time!!! I didn't worry about the evening yet until he could do it all by himself for naps, then we started with the evenings the same way. He still has those witching hours right before bed but he is able to go to be on his own most of the time. Winn is beautiful, hope all goes well!

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  11. Hi there. Thanks for your response. If Winn humms himself to sleep, you don't need Ferber. Ferber is for babies who don't have a self soothing method and are forced to find a more attractive one than crying for an hour (with visits from you that remind them that you will not help). If he humms himself to sleep, encourage that as much as you can for all his naps, etc. and yes, it's sweet. Livi sings herself to sleep sometimes too. Ferber is also for ppl who believe in or want a trict schedule that the baby is not adhering to. If you build a predictable bedtime routine and the baby has a self soothing mechanism, bed time can be pretty smooth. Yes, Livi and I co-sleep. I prefer her to at least fall asleep in her crib, but I also enjoy falling asleep withher as she nurses in bed. We sleep well together most of the time. I will transfer her into her crib at night if one of us is having a lighter sleep and keeping the other one up. In that case, she can sleep in her crib up to 4 hours on her own. Once Winn is out of his swaddle (he might not have to bounce around once he's out for good....it's sometimes a reaction to the freedom) put a pillow on the edge of the bed on his side and make yourself comfortable. As for nursing in bed, again, lay on your side facing him, let him lay on your bisep and curl your arm around his side. A pillow under your head and neck...not your shoulder, and behind you, will make your co sleeping so much more comfortable. I sometimes even pull up the pillow on her side of the bed and let the arm that is supporting her rest up against it. Pillows everywhere....but so awesome. Good luck!

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  12. I agree with Krista and was going there but got sidetracked......getting them to self sooth for naps and perfect their sleeping during the day is key in them learning how to fall asleep at night.

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