Where does the time go?

It's been awhile - Winn and I are just chugging along.  He is almost 15 months and is a busy little bee now.  Fully weaned and sleeping better.  Still only 2 teeth, but I can see some on the top trying to poke through.  A week ago, he got his first big boy haircut and it looks so cute.  He is slowly acquiring a rudimentary vocabulary, but still mostly points at what he wants even though he knows some baby signing. I'm getting lots of sweet kisses and hugs from him.

So here's what's been going on in my world aside from Winn:

Around the beginning of August, after I fully weaned Winn, I started feeling nauseated.  I thought it might have something to do with weaning or that it was my gallbladder.  But something made me go
buy a pregnancy test just to make sure since I do take migraine medicine that is contraindicated with pregnancy.   I tested in the afternoon, a few days before my period was due, and and two lines appeared immediately.  This was a big surprise, since I had given up on the idea of spontaenous pregnancy.   We were not trying, but not preventing either.  We were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" so there was no documented reason that of why we were having a difficult time conceiving.  With the pressure off and perhaps all the pregnancy and lactation hormones kickstarted my ovaries into gear.   I had what I thought was a period in July, but looking back it was a strange bleed (just blood no clots).  Then I bled one afternoon randomly at the end of July.  I scheduled my first prenatal appointment on Aug 27 based on what I thought was my cycle in July.  On Sun Aug 25, I started bleeding after sneezing while I was holding Winn.  It was so scary, but it did stop after an hour or so.  I went into the doctor on Monday and I was expecting the worst news at the ultrasound, but instead we saw a little bean jumping around with a heartbeat in the 180's.  And the baby was measuring 9 wks 4 days, so that puts me conceiving around the end of June/beginning of July.  The u/s tech noted 2 small subchorionic hematomas (fancy jargon for blood clots where the placenta is trying to form).  I was scheduled for another ultrasound the following week to monitor the blood clots.

Armed with a grainy black and white picture ultrasound picture, we drove back home relieved with our good fortune.  However, I started bleeding again 4 days later.  Filling up pads like a first day of flow.  I freaked out and called the OB on call at the hospital and he said there is nothing I can do but take it easy and just wait it out and that they usually resolve on their own.

The bleeding did stop, but I still kept spotting.  The ultrasound the next week showed a healthy growing fetus and one of the clots disappeared and the other one appeared to be resolving.   But a few days later the bleeding started again, this time darker blood and heavier.  By the weekend, the active bleeding tapered off and I could only see faint color on the toilet paper.  I am the most paranoid tp inspecter now.  So yesterday, I went back to the doctor for my weekly monitoring ultrasound appt expecting to get the news that the clot had resolved, but instead it is bigger at 5 cm (the size of the baby).  I met with my OB who recommended "modified bedrest."  A very tall order when you have a 25 lb active toddler!  I've had to line up babysitters to take Winn to the park.  He is on babysitter #2 of the day right now.   My poor husband is having to pull double duty - working all day and then coming home to do most of the heavy lifting of getting Winn ready for bedtime.  I've had lots of bad headaches and nausea, so he is waiting on me alot too.

So it's not been an easy picnic around here and our excitment about a new baby is tempered by the worry and fear of miscarriage due to the subchorionic hematoma.   I've been reluctant to share our news with anyone outside of close family.   Every week, I get to peek inside and see how the little bean is growing and it's gone from a little blob to a fully formed fetus with arms and legs kicking around.  It's precious, but feels dangerous to get attached.  I am so ready to be past the point of worry.  I've read everything I can find on the web about other women's experiences with hematomas and mostly it's good news, but sometimes the clots stick around for a long time (up to 20 weeks).  One study I read found significant reduction in miscarriage with bedrest and then other studies are inconclusive.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed, trying to stay off my feet as much as possible and praying for the best.
 I know this post sounds like alot of whining, but I guess this is my place to allay some of my fears. Thanks for reading.