no go

3rd IUI is a no go.  I'm handling this much better than the previous two.  I went ahead and set up an initial consultation at CCRM when we were planing to be out in Colorado for a work-related visit.  Just want to get the ball rolling and a second opinion would be welcome. I've had a hormonal headache for the last few days.  Other than that, my mood has been good.  I guess we will up the ante with the next cycle.  Now just gotta wait for AF to stop by for a visit.

Inching along

It's 11 dpo and I hate this time of the month.  It's the time of the month when you are constantly checking yourself for pregnancy symptoms and then feeling none and then feeling down about it.
I feel like I know my body so well now that I can tell when my progesterone levels start tapering off after 7 dpo.  It's a slow, but steady decline.  I had a little breakdown on Monday night after a superlong travel day which was triggered by finding out an aquaintance is pregnant on Facebook.  Really, I am happy for her, because I know she had a hard time getting pregnant, but still. . . it just really set me off. I proceeded to block status updates of all FB friends who are pregnant or have babies.  Even though that sounds meanspirited, I need to preserve protected space in my life and not be bombarded by fetus and baby news whenever I check Facebook.

It seems everywhere I go, there's a pregnant woman within a 10 feet radius of me.  I swear to god, I attract them like flies to honey.   Maybe my body is trying to soak in some of their pheromones.  It's not been working.  Tonight I went to the community garden we have a plot in. I was the only one there until a young Asian couple came.  And the first thing I noticed is she is with child.  I made some small talk with them and he even pointed it out to me.  And I was like "yes I can see that."  Their first baby and they are so happy.  So these pregnant ladies are everywhere stalking me down.  Saying look at me Look at me.  At yoga classes, at the grocery store, at Home Depot.   One day I will be one, that fertile hot mama to be strolling down the cereal aisle without a care in the world . . . maybe not this month, but sometime in the not too distant future.

2 week wait begins

Yesterday's insemination went well.  I'm glad to be on the other side of the IUI, but now I have two weeks of wondering if it worked.  A couple of weeks ago I did a Resolve teleconference on "Surviving the 2 Week Wait"  The woman who led the conference was a veteran of infertility and now counsels people through infertility or "subfertility" which is what most people are.  Basically, infertility is loss of control.  Loss of time, loss of a dream, loss of fiances.  This puts a strain on many relationships which can lead to isolation and ultimately depression.  Her coping strategies consisted of 1) gettting support through either support groups or counseling, 2) be informed, ask lots of questions to your doctor, and 3) identify stressors and try to avoid them or reframe your negative thoughts.  Example: "I am doing everything I can to make this successful".
She recommended Alice Domar. http://www.domarcenter.com/ and her focused breath technique, which is basically diaphramic breathing. Breathe in for 4 counts and exhale for 4 counts.
I tried it while I was in the waiting room for the IUI and it helped somewhat.  I also did some tapping which I think works better for me. http://www.tapping.com/articles/how-tapping-works.html  You feel pretty silly doing it, but it calms your central nervous system down.
Also Circle and Bloom IUI/IVF mind/body meditations has been a lifesaver.  The woman's voice is so soothing. http://www.circlebloom.com/  When I get pregnant, I am going to get her next installment.
Last night, we visited with a couple that just had a baby 5 weeks ago.  She was having a hard time with the breastfeeding.  It was interesting to see how all that works.  Getting me prepared for what's ahead.
So I have some good tools to get me through the next 2 weeks.  Let's just hope they work!

Third time's a charm

So had my day 9 u/s and this cycle is a-go!  Even with only 4 days of clomid.  No lasting problems with my vision, thank the lord!  I injected myself with the trigger shot last night (first time ever giving myself an injection and it wasn't too bad) and we will have the 3rd IUI tomorrow morning.  I have been so tired today and have my pelvic region has felt tender all day, especially my left side where the dominant follicles are.  This is our first 36 hour IUI, so I am hoping this timing will work better.

Last night, my uncle who is a vet, gave me 2 boxes of expired pregnancy tests (about 50 tests in all), that a hospital had given him.  I tried one this morning to see if it still worked and I got my first positive! Of course only due to the HCG trigger shot, but it was still fun to see.  I feel like this IUI stuff is old hat now.  We know the drill and at least we get to go to Whole Foods and get acupuncture tomorrow.    I am hopeful that this may be our month!

Tripping on Clomid

Last night I watched the movie Tron because my husband likes Jeff Bridges.  It was a sci-fi futuristic show with lots of flashing lights and action.  I got tired and went to the bedroom and noticed that shadows in the room seemed to be moving and it made me dizzy.  Then I noticed when I passed my hand in front of me I saw tracers. It was strange!  I alerted my husband to my newfound affliction and he wondered out loud if it was related to Clomid.  I had vaguely recalled reading something about visual problems with Clomid, but that it was rare.  I called the nurse this morning and left a msg.  She called me back after lunch, and by that I had already taken another clomid.  She said the doctor wanted me to stop clomid immediately and the we would have to cancel this cycle.  Ugh!  I have taken 4 out of the 5 pills, so I called her back and she said that I could get the u/s, but. .  . So that is where I am at now.  I'm blaming it on my husband for wanting to watch that stupid Tron movie!

Doctor Day

Met with Dr. D. today. She thinks 3-4 more rounds with IUI. Start u/s on day 9 and possible do trigger shot then if follicles are big enough.  She said the last round my follicle was measuring too big at Day 11.  She thinks I respond well to clomid which is good news I suppose.  I had acupuncture this morning and I think it helps me remain somewhat calm.  Even though I did not get bad news today, it still depresses me when I have to go to the fertility clinic.  But at least there are people that can help me.  My acupuncturist told me that Dr. D may be moving, but she did not say anything to confirm this and I did not ask.  I've pretty much already decided if we go IVF we go to Colorado.  But so hoping that the IUI will do the job.
If it doesn't work this month, then we move on to a mixed protocol with clomid and injectables. This will increase the chance of multiples to around 20% but only 2% chance of higher order multiples.
Dr. D still thinks 24 hr IUI is the way to go. But I think she will be willing to meet me in the middle at 30 hour.  The washed sperm only last 12 hours.  and if you ovulate 36 hr after trigger shot then the 24 hour may not cover the time the sperm lives if you ovulate at 37 hr post trigger shot. Thinking about the logistics of this stuff will tie a knot in your brain.
My cycle was 29 days this month. And that is with me ovulating on Day 12-13.  So 17 day luteal phase which is long!  My TSH check out at 1.7 so that is good news.  Let's just hope it stays in this happy fertile range.
I found out today that a girl from my hometown is pregnant again after she lost twins due to twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome.  That is a really good thing for her.  But of course my mother tells me this after my meeting with the doctor.  Which just hits a nerve because she has a bad habit of announcing pregnancies after I've just met with my fertility doctor.  I mean, come on, can you pick a little better time for that.  I guess it is partly my fault.  I should know better than to call her after an appointment when I feel a little more emotionally fragile.  Even though, she is someone who deserves to be pregnant again and who has been through alot, my ego sees it as they are pregnant and I am not. . . hoping that will change soon.

SLOW Baby

This is the next baby movement.  We are ahead of our time.  I have spent my whole life trying to do things as quickly and efficiently as possible.  In other words, being the hare.  I know that we will savor our baby all the more because we have had to wait so long.  Good things come to those who wait.  Hopefully, I will learn to savor this fertility treatment journey, instead of just trying to get it over with as fast as possible.  This blog is a way to make the journey more fun, more creative and engaging.

TurtleMama speaks

"Not pregnant" - these are the first words I encountered this early morning from the digital POAS.  2nd IUI a complete bust.  It was a 24 hr IUI with clomid.  I really wanted a 36 hr IUI, but the clinic does not do IUI's on Sunday (day of rest down here) and I was stuck with 24 hr since my day 11 and 12 is falling on Fri/Sat.

Even after 2 years of TTC I still get a shot of adrenaline from POAS that sometimes keeps me from falling back to sleep. So what better way to combat insomnia than creating a blog for my tortoise baby.

Who knows how long this journey will be?

We meet with our RE this week to discuss next steps.  Thinking of going to Colorado (CCRM).  Should I go or should I stay?  The success stats are much better at CCRM.   But it means starting over. 

These are the dilemmas that play through my mind in the wee hours of the night and morn.  

If only the stick had 3 less letters on it this morning.  

Step by step. . . I amble on. . . hoping that my AF holds off until Wed, so 36 hr IUI will be possible.